[insert graduation pun]

Okay, so maybe you all thought I was the only one raptured up, but actually I'm still here. And maybe you all thought that when I said I would be blogging in the "next few days," I meant I would be blogging in the next few days. But I was going for the loose definition of the term, and what is time anyway? Lesson 1: do NOT trust a writer to follow through. Lesson 2: when she comes crawling back with peace offerings of witty social commentary, embrace her into your virtual arms! It's what Jesus would do.

On these notes, I am putting off my caf rant for a bit to tell you about the delicious awkwardness of elementary school graduations. In particular, my little sister's graduation yesterday.

It started off well enough with an electric guitar rendition of the national anthem ("boy have things changed since back in my day," amirite?) and a mass orchestral throat-clearing. I'm not sure how everyone knows this code, but apparently, "Please take your seats" also means, "and take care of any bodily noises you must make in the mass chaos of sitting down." The coughs were top-notch, really. And then a messy pledge of allegiance in which all of the adults forgot that at an elementary school, there must be at least a two second pause between lines: "I PLEDGE allegiance...................... ...............TO the flag (which flag?) ...........................................................of the uNITed STATES of aMERica..."

Then, of course, came the technical difficulties. Microphones not working, wrong songs playing, speaker feedback, oh my! But the worst part was how embarrassed the coordinating teacher was about all of this. "I'm so sorry; I swear we practiced!" You'd think one of the kids had ripped off her clothes to reveal a glitter pasty* or something... Look, lady, it's a sixth grade graduation. My standards really weren't that high.

The theme for this graduation was "Set the Future on Fire!," which led to a number of analogies that were stretches at best. Stuff along the lines of, "Your education is the spark that ignites you to burn brightly for years to come," and, "Our friendships are like fireworks of many colors and shapes. They intertwine in the sky, representing our relationships that will last forever." You know, like all those eternal fireworks you still see in the sky every day. And this insightful theme culminated in a performance by the entire graduating class of (any guesses? Think painfully obvious.....) "Firework" by Katy Perry. Bhtcsbimd, air? (See paragraph 3, line 2.) Gotta love children who are even less enthused to be singing Katy Perry than you are to be hearing it.

As the kids got their diplomas, each had to say how he or she would "set the future on fire." None of their answers were quite as good as my friend Trevor's when he finished elementary school ("I'm going to be a power ranger"), but there were some winners. Except if all these kids' predictions come true, then about half of the population will be going to UCLA or becoming veterinarians. I kept tally: eight people setting the future on fire with their animal care skills. Really, how many veterinarians do you think there are in the world? Probably about eight.

I'll leave you with some of my favorite wise quotations from sixth grade graduation:

- "School is not just about really fun experiences, it's also about lessons."

- "I'm going to set the future on fire by helping all the poverty countries of the world."

And, the ever ironic:

- "I'm going to set the future on fire by becoming a firefighter."




* I researched the singular form of "pasties" for about seven minutes. Results are inconclusive. If you want to stand up for "pastie," we can discuss later.